The Elephant on the Blog

I’ve hesitated to write this post for like…ever. Mostly because I know that a lot of people are really sensitive about weight and weight loss as a topic in general, and with my penchant for self-deprecation of the fiercest nature, I’m sure to say something nasty about my own self and mortally offend someone else in the process. And I really don’t want to do that. Because body image is so personal and fragile for so many of us women and I don’t want to shatter yours just because mine is lacking…y’know? But at the same time, I don’t think it’s really lost on anyone that’s there’s been a drastic difference in my appearance as of late.

So please read this post with the following in mind: This isn’t about you, or your body, or what a given number on the scale might translate to for you and your body type. This is about ME, and MY BODY and the pretty irresponsible journey we’ve taken together over the past year and a half. Okay? I have a blog about basically nothing. I’m ALWAYS pretty much talking about ME. {I’d do a winky face, so you’d know I’m mostly kidding, but apparently that translates to emoticons on this platform, and well…I just can’t with the animated winky face.}

Okay. So…if you follow me on twitter than you already know what I’m being all freaky about. But if you don’t, here it is:

Here’s the big confession Twitter. Yes, I lost 100 lbs this year. No, I did not do anything special to do it. Depression is a horrible diet.less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet Reply

So yeah. I want to be clear here: I didn’t do anything that anyone should attempt (except for Power Pilates which at least left me with some muscle tone instead of just loose skin…although there’s plenty of that too…you’re welcome for that image.)

Anyway, it was my Dad calling me and telling me he was afraid I was going to die that prompted me to finally just write the freaking post. No, really. He said that to me (sorry Dad, but you did, and you know anything you say to me is fair game for me to write about) and although in my opinion it’s coming from a place of totally delusional Dad concern, I thought that maybe I should address is just in case anybody else is wondering if I’m at death’s door.

I’ll admit it…I’m not loving my new look. I’m a little emaciated for my taste – my sternum sticks out – as do my ribs, and my boobs have plummeted from a perky 20′s C to a jr. high A. I try my best to eat – I drink ensure, I eat protein bars, because food in general is not really appealing to me…which I’ve never experienced before. It’s odd. Mentally, I feel pretty great, and life in general is going kind of swimmingly (knock wood) but I just have no appetite whatsoever, and I’m starting to look a little sickly.

So I can’t give you great advice on how to lose that baby weight. My great advice would be not to gain so damn much of it it. I gained 85lbs and came home from the hospital at 218lbs, 8 pounds HIGHER than I gone in at. I’ve never shown this picture to anyone – I could barely stand to look at it myself, but here I am on the day we brought Dee home from the hospital:

I remember seeing that picture and deciding to go into hiding until the swelling went down. But it didn’t. I didn’t lose a damn pound for at least three months. No matter what. It really truly wasn’t until I started the Power Pilates that weight slowly started to come off. And then I weaned Delilah and my hormones went all wacky and my appetite started to wane and all of a sudden I was just dropping pounds like they were mother effing hot.

So here’s me in San Diego the week before last (with Lindsay, who designed my kick-ass magnets)

In April I bought size large pants from J Crew. By the time they arrived it was clear I was a medium. Now? X-Small. But I’m afraid to buy anything because who the ef knows where my body will go next. And I’m not really built to be an extra small.

I’ll be honest…I’m kind of freaked out. Not that I don’t enjoy wearing mini skirts and feeling like I have my body to myself again, but when you walk up to your friends at BlogHer and they don’t show even a flicker of recognition…that’s kind of a weird feeling.

At the same time, let’s not be overly dramatic here. I’m 5’7″. Traditionally I’d weigh in at about 135 (wedding weight) – 140 lbs (pre-baby weight.) That makes for a solid size six on me, and no one surmising that I might be on my last legs. Currently, I’m weighing in at 123 lbs. Not ideal, but not life-threatening either. My face is all cruella deville-y, and I’ve already mentioned the loose skin situation. Ideally, I’ll start back up my power pilates and put on 10 lbs of muscle by the time 2012 rolls around.

But there it is. My 100 lbs weight loss. The 100 lb weight loss I never thought I’d ever have any experience with. Sure, I’m hypothyroid and have bounced around 10 or 15 lbs since I left college – even having to fight back 30 big ones to get into the sample wedding gown I bought, but this is pretty unprecedented, even for a notorious yo-yo-er like yours truly.

So I guess my point is this. What happened here? Was not a good thing. Gaining 85 lbs is kind of irresponsible. Losing 100 lbs because you’ve lost the will to eat? Not a diet I’d recommend to anyone.

Please be healthy. I felt like the world’s most irresponsible a-hole when I tweeted that out abruptly the other night, but I was pretty shaken up by the phone call from my father in which he eluded to me starving to death. I promise you I’m not starving to death. But I wouldn’t want anyone to make the mistake of thinking I did anything worth imitating here, either.

Oh, and while we’re being brutally honest and bearing ourselves? This is why you don’t get tattoos on your lower abdomen, and then eat like a stoned pig for the duration of your pregnancy, ladies. Gentlemen, sorry to ruin the mystery of what that hot stomach piece on the girl from last night is going to look like after she squeezes one out.

{Who am I kidding? No dudes read this blog anymore!} Anyway…forgive the fact that I overcranked the photo so you could fully appreciate the sickening rippled effect, but you get the gist. Here’s the before if you’re curious. So if you were lucky enough to escape that mess, or haven’t gotten into it yet, enjoy your Bikini Weekend…Lord knows I’ll never have one again.

Feed Me Seymour

46 Responses to The Elephant on the Blog

  1. indieridge says:

    Thank you. Really. I appreciate your honesty and candidness more than I can say.

  2. d20Blonde says:

    Thank you for the saggy tummy picture. I’ve been starting to wonder if I’m the only woman who has that after having my baby 16 months ago. ;)

  3. the818 says:

    Oh girl, you really aren’t. I just had the chance to compare with a bunch of gorgeous Mamas in SD, and was so relieved to see I wasn’t alone. @d20Blonde

  4. kathleenroseboro says:

    I <3 you forever(y). That is all.

  5. kathleenroseboro says:

    uh that was supposed to be less than 3.

  6. WendyMetzKuhs says:

    OK, Ill come out of my stalking for this. First, I absolutely HATE my stomach after my son. I love him more then life itself but my stomach is a wrinkly mess that I hate. Next, you did loose a lot of weight but I feel like if you acknowledge you did you can work on staying where your at and work on adding back on. My mom recently lost so much weight in a 3 month span of time people thought she was dieing on the vine. She is not. BUT she is working very very hard at just keeping on weight and to gain a little. So though all this blabber Im typing I guess Im saying keep at eating healthy even if u don’t want to. Take your vitamins! Sorry that was the mom in me. :)

    wen

  7. MrsDivineBodies says:

    So here’s the thing…you know what we do for a living, and I feel pretty stuck with myself right now. Emotionally I ‘m having a hard time after this second baby which has translated into my diet and physical activity. I know all the right things to do and eat. I commend you for acknowledging that within yourself something has gone awry and think that you saying it out loud (or on your blog) is the best step you can take to getting back to “your comfortable place”. On a good day I look at my body and think that the stretch marks and extra baggage are badges of honor for bringing two amazing girls into the world. On my bad days, I try to stay away from mirrors, and don’t leave my house. At the end of it all, no matter what the scale says, the best weight for you is a healthy one, and only you know where that is right now.

  8. LinzLovesYou says:

    I’m so damn proud of you for coming out and writing this. If you ever want a workout buddy, you KNOW I’m game. I have to say though, it’s pretty crazy how diff 135 pounds looks on me (my current weight, believe it or not) versus what that extra 10 would look on you. You can rock it though. And you’re beautiful inside AND out, so fuck any haters <3

  9. Melaina25 says:

    My stomach is like that, but bigger and with no tattoo– somehow had the foresight to get a tramp stamp it’s hard to get lower back fat. My stomach has a cleft and it disgusts me; I don’t know if it’s a c-section thing or what but it literally has a cleft in the middle of my muffin over hang (it’s beyond a muffing top).

    I don’t know how much weight I put on in pregnancy because the midwives here don’t weight you regularly but I’m willing to say it was a big chunk since I was put on crutches with 2+ months of pregnancy left to go (no more walking on my lunch hour). I look at the photos from Blondie Boy’s 6 month photo shoot and I was still huge. I was wearing size 18 jeans from Old Navy which I didn’t even wear when I was at my biggest. Now I’m inbetween a size 14 and 12 and I don’t know what I’ve done other than chase around a toddler and start working from home.

    I think what you have to do (and I’m not TELLING you what to do, just so I’m not coming off as preachy) is find a happy medium. If you aren’t happy then you need to find away to make you happy. Are your thyroid meds maybe out of whack? Maybe you need to do more chilled out Pilates to tone rather than drop weight?

    I’ve written a novel here and I apologize but it’s one of those things we don’t always talk or blog about. I honestly don’t know what you need to do other than figure out a way to make sure you are happy and healthy because that’s all that really matter right? I mean it’d be nice to wear a bikini again but it’s not totally necessary :)

  10. suzy016 says:

    Ditto the above commenter about coming out of lurk mode… I’m really glad you wrote about this – I lost all the baby weight plus an extra ten pounds four months after having my son last year, which maybe sounds nice except I lost it mostly because I was so anxious and emotional (at least some of which was ppd) about being a mom I basically just stopped eating. The worst part was that when I lost the weight, I also lost mymilk supply and my son (who is tiny anyway) stopped gaining weight, too. The realization that I had inadvertently created this issue was – there’s not really a word for how terrible I felt and still feel. I know it’s a weird thing to say and I’m sure you know this, but you’re not alone and I hope that you can find the right balance for you (and I’m still searching for that, so if you find it, let me know, ‘kay?!? :). Also, bless you for the tummy tattoo pic and I can say from experience that tattoos on the butt don’t fare much better.

  11. the818 says:

    xo – thank you for delurking to make me not feel like such a weirdo :) @suzy016

  12. the818 says:

    So how do you reconcile? Are you working out? I just don’t want to scare my relatives, I guess. @MrsDivineBodies

  13. Alena29 says:

    I loved you before this, but I love you more for being so open about this. I’m sure not an easy thing to write. But what’s important is that you’re doing what you can…you’re trying to live a healthy life. You know how much work it is to get mentally healthy…the body can be just as much work!

  14. MrsDivineBodies says:

    @the818 I’m finally starting to feel like myself again so I’ve made a short-term goal of being ready to do the Conejo Valley Mud Run on Oct 30. I’ve always been the type of person that needs a goal to get myself going on something. As far as my food goes, we don’t have a “diet” that we recommend but we do have smart guidelines we suggest, so I’ve been practicing what we preach more. We don’t do diets because it’s not practical for people to live on a diet for life. It’s hard to get back on the right track, but feeling healthy is the ultimate payoff.

  15. babyrabies says:

    So proud of you for sharing this. You’re awesome, and I’m sure you just helped so many moms, more than you might ever know, who’ve gone through something similar. I hope you start to find a middle ground soon. The body is so damn fickle to begin with. When you add wonky pregnancy and post-pregnancy hormones to the mix, it gets even worse. It’s good that you recognize what’s going on.

  16. tiealittleribbon says:

    I love you so much M. Like a lot a lot. We chatted about this and I am so proud of you for writing this out and putting yourself out there. As you get helthier and stronger and life shifts back into the normal position, you will level out. You are a strong woman and a kick ass inspiration in general. Love you lady.

  17. shuggilippo says:

    I couldn’t be more pleased to hear this. Seriously. Struggling with weight because of depression is the pits (pun intended). I’m currently on the opposite end of this and in the gaining phase which really, really blows and have been dabbling with the idea of doing the starve yourself because you’re body changing is so depressing route. :/ I’m now average weight for my height (5’10″) but in all the wrong ways. Bleck! Two inches on my waist in three months is not ideal weight gain. And the chins, OH the chins!

    Anyway, thank you for being so honest about this and helping me realize I’m not alone in this will to not eat so I look like I’m 19 again thing. xoxo

  18. sickerthnothers says:

    Thank you for putting that out there. I was a tiny person, then after my last two kids a 35 pound heavier person (on a 5 foot frame) and when I started running + taking meds that ruin the taste of food, I lost 40 pounds. I got the same talks from my family. It’s taken a lot to even out (lot less running, too) and gain back some of the weight. And people who didn’t know me as a skinny person sometimes didn’t recognize me at first-it was weird, being out of the mom costume & stuff.

  19. laureneliz says:

    I’m feeling really guilty about the comment I left about you being so skinny a week or so ago, I’m an ass and I’m so sorry! Know that you are so brave for putting it all out there and I have a lot of respect for you.

    Every time I look at my stomach I think hopefully this will dissuade my daughter from ever getting her belly button pierced. That little scar is not so little anymore…

  20. the818 says:

    Please don’t feel guilty! How would you know! xoxoxo @laureneliz

  21. ManicMamaG says:

    @the818 I did not. But I meant to!

  22. noisydogstudio says:

    @the818 very interesting post. my depression &anxiety meds made me gain 100 lbs & liver damage. now on way to healthily losing the weight

  23. TraciTalksBack says:

    @the818 as someone who only met you a few months ago & did not know all this until now, I think you look fantastic & not unhealthy! At all!

  24. the818 says:

    @noisydogstudio I know, I don’t really think it’s the meds, because that’s usually the result, but it’s very disconcerting.

  25. noisydogstudio says:

    @the818 this weight issue is so strange for all of us big or little.

  26. juleyjules says:

    @the818 I did read this. Aweseome blog. Exact same thing happened to me. Don’t worry! Everything will go back to normal in time.

  27. HopingForHunter says:

    I found you by recommendation of Transatlantic Blonde.. who is a super cool chick, and said you were cool too. So I believed her. And now? After this post? I want to give you a giant super big hug, and tell you that I understand (although my depression manifests in other ways.) And as someone totally not qualified to give weightloss/gain advice.. weight doesn’t matter, but feeling ‘okay’ or even ‘happy’ does. *hugs*

  28. the818 says:

    OMG, I was really scared you were about to tell me what a humungous asshole I was. Thank you for not doing that. Hugs right back. @HopingForHunter

  29. amathiasoap says:

    @the818 Stumbled across your blog via @HowToBeADad – I’m going through the same right now. Gained 70 lbs during preg #2, down to 115 @ 5’8″

  30. alexandrawrote says:

    You’ll find the balance that feels right. I know you will. xo a.

  31. ampasternak85 says:

    Talking about it is the hardest part, thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you and I know you can make it through this. You’re beautiful, you deserve to be happy!

  32. PleasantAndHome says:

    Hi there! New to your blog (brand new in fact!) and it often takes me a long time (if ever) before I come out of my shell to comment but this is such an important issue I figured I better speak up. As the others have said, thank you for sharing your story.

    I went through my own version of this back in 2008/2009 when I became very stressed by my job. I know a lot of women struggle with losing weight and I’m naturally pretty small so I always felt really bad talking about how I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I think the main goal for everyone should be to be healthy, whatever that might be for them. I knew I was not and have been working hard on a “food is fuel” approach for the past year. I remind myself that eating is not something I do when I’m hungry but something I do for nourishment.

    Seems so silly, but it’s a helpful way for me to think about it and make sure I do stop to eat even when I am stressed/busy. (I also quit the above mentioned job which made it that much easier!) I hope you do whatever you need to so that you can make progress towards your own version of healthy – mind, heart, and body!

  33. lisa @ liltrickster says:

    First time commenting but wanted to say thank you for the post! Clearly you’ve touched a nerve with all of the comments. Certainly made me stop lurking. :) I can totally relate as I had my son 6 months ago and still trying to navigate this new body and how I can get it to where I want to be.

    Was hoping to meet you last night at the LA Ladies Who Blog party (lesliesarna.com is my sister) but now I can just comment and say “hi”. Thanks for all the great posts.

  34. whimsysnark says:

    hi! i found your blog via twitter and just had to say taht i love your honesty and openness and non-saccharin infused voice. it is refreshing to read your blog and i know you will find the balance you’re looking for :-)

  35. whimsysnark says:

    hi! i found your blog through twitter and had to say how refreshing this post is! thank you for a non-saccharin infused approach to a difficult subject we all deal with. your honest and openness are truly beautiful and i know you will find the balance you’re looking for :-)

  36. The Napkin Dad says:

    I’m a guy and I still read your blog! I think you are a ‘yoyo’ type person so it’s understandable that you would get big, get small, get inbetween then do it again. Just do your best to stay closer to the middle and don’t get too freaked about being on the pendulum swing!

  37. cowardlyfeminist says:

    Wow, so I just found this blog and I want to say thanks for this post. Unfortunately, weight is such a hot button it DOES often seem like a taboo topic, which is too bad because the more out in the open it is the easier it is for women (and men) to deal with whatever issues they are facing.

  38. katy.coy says:

    Thanks for writing this…I am on the other side of the spectrum (life-long slow metabolism chunk) and it never ceases to amaze me that while our bodies are so different, our struggles are so similar. I appreciate your up-front-ness about it all :)

  39. RitaArens says:

    Thanks for sharing, Morgan. I’m emailing with someone right now who has had yo-yo/metabolism problems like I did during eating disorder recovery. Email me if you ever want to chat about anything offline.

    • Morgan says:

      Thanks Rita – I really might – I find myself in the supermarket really confused about what kind of food is appropriate for me…it’s certainly not diet food anymore, but I doubt it’s as simple as ice cream and cookies to gain back a few pounds…

  40. Callie says:

    I randomly came across your blog one night when I was a good 8 months pregnant. I stayed up until like 4 reading every effing post you’d written, including this one. You write exactly how I would & it was like I was reading my every thought & feeling. I still check it once a week & e-stalk you but I’ve never actually commented… I never understood postpartum depression until now. When I was pregnant, I was really naive like, “How could I be depressed when I’ve waited so long for this to happen, & it’s the best time in my life?… blah blah”. Now I suppose that’s what this feeling is & I feel as if the weight that I gained when I was pregnant is the majority of it. I gained 50 lbs, I’ve already lost 25 of it. My daughter will be 6 weeks on Monday, so she’s still pretty fresh but man… During the week all I want to do is leave the house & not worry about the constant chores a new mom has. Once the weekend comes & I try on every outfit I have trying to piece something together, I’m so disgusted in myself that I end up not going anywhere. I’m surprised that my makeup even fits me anymore. It’s funny though, being a girl I always felt like I had 10 or 15 pounds to lose. Now that I have belly skin that resembles an effing candy cane & so sexily droops over my underwear, ungh. I really wish I’d worn more bikinis when I felt like i was a fatass before. I’ve written a ridiculous amount here, but I just want to thank you for your honesty about the postpartum depression, the weight issues, & your ability to still have a sense of humor in it all now. It’s nice to know when you’re feeling this low that I’m not a freak & that it happens to even the coolest of people.

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