“Doc, Are You Telling Me This Sucker’s Nuclear?”

[This post was originally published on an anonymous blog long ago and far away, and then later re-published on Toy With Me and even on BlogHer, but never, ever here on my personal website where people who know me could read it. Until now. I’ve been desensitized by the fact that I stepped up and claimed my once anonymous post when it was selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year in 2011, and although I didn’t have the balls to post it here then, time heals all wounds…even vaginal ones…and I’m throwing caution *and possibly every male in my life’s vomit* to the wind and sharing it here now. And also crawling into a corner.]

Third degree tears.

Shaped like a Y, the tip of which crept up to my sphincter leaving my nether region looking something like this:

They stitched me up so tight that when I’m 50, my vagina will only be 25.

Needless to say, I waited the full six weeks postpartum and then some to hop back on the bologna pony. And when I did? It wasn’t pretty.

Our little monster was asleep. All was quiet around the house. We took things slow. We dusted off the lube. And then we played a little game I like to call: just the tip.

Because that’s about how far we made it before it felt like I was SPLITTING IN TWO. Turns out there were a couple of issues standing between us and the hot, steamy, belly-free, skin to skin, real. actual. sex we had so eagerly anticipated. First of all, they really down-play that whole “breastfeeding can cause vaginal dryness” thing, and I was kind of blindsided by it. So was Scott. There was chafing across the board. Secondly, I was tighter than my pre-pregnancy jeans.

But we are determined folk. We quite liked our sex life before baby, and we reassured each other that with a little bit of good ‘ol American stick-to-it-iveness, we would once again see a day when a romp in the sack didn’t feel like driving a battering ram through a keyhole.

Still, I put out an SOS to my Mom friends on ye olde internet.

“OMG. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? I JUST WANT TO HAVE NORMAL SEX.” I lamented – eager for advice and encouragement.

They lamented along with me. They promised it would get better. And then I read the three little words that would change the course of history [in our bedroom] forever.

Vibrating.  Cock.  Ring.

Totally helps relax the tight vadge.

Oh, and not the trojan kind. Buy one from a naughty sex toy site. It’s worth it.

I was intrigued. I mentioned it to my hubby, and [after he wiped the kid in a candy store grin off his face] he ran right out and picked one up.

Well…slap my ass and call me Pamela, because that shit WORKED. Loosened things right up, and got us back on the train to O-town (and I’m not talking about the city, or the shitty boyband, ifyouknowwhatImean…) I still pretty much praise my friend’s name on a daily basis.

And yet…there was still one hurdle to be lept. Just beyond my war-torn labia, things remained dry as the Sahara. The generic drug store lube we had wasn’t cutting it. It was time to break out the big guns…So we unearthed the novelty lube from my bachelorette party. It was one of those his&hers combo packs – kind of like that KY Yours + Mine stuff – except not like that at all, because as soon as the “his” met the “hers” it was like someone had LITERALLY LIT MY LOINS ON FIRE. The “chemists” at WET must have gotten a few ingredients wrong, because not only did I shriek in pain, but my husband did as well. It burned his dick, folks. We were officially in the market for some new lube.

So when our anniversary came around, and we sent our little one to spend the night at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, Scott turned to me with that shit-eating grin and said:

“Wanna go to Le Sex Shoppe?”

Truth be told, I did NOT want to go to Le Sex Shoppe. I wanted to go to Rite Aid, and quietly buy them out of whatever lube they had – well disguised amongst other less incriminating items like diapers and rocky road – before going home to drink some wine, have a semi-painful quickie, and promptly pass out for 10 hours of uninterrupted shut-eye…because despite having no problem airing intimate details of my sex life on the internet, I am kind of a prude in real life.

But my husband has been an incredible sport. So if he wanted to spend our one night off in the creepiest shop in town looking for miracle lube, then so be it.

We entered through the back (where the “violators will be towed” signs have also been amended to advise: “no oral in the parking lot”) made our way past the LolliCocks and Anal Speculum, and up to the display in front where we were greeted by “Rick” who looked like my old guitar teacher, but might as well have been working at The Gap the way he cheerfully greeted us. “Are you looking for something specific today? I’m here if you have any questions!” Much to my horror, Scott actually welcomed the opportunity to consult a professional about our situation.

“Can you recommend a really good lube? Something that doesn’t dry up, get sticky, or feel like it’s giving you a chemical burn?” he inquired. [Oh dear god. Just what I need. The dude in the overcoat behind the bondage display knowing the in’s and out’s of my chafed va-jay-jay. Horrible pun yes intended.] “Rick” was eager to share his expertise. Turns out, he’d been getting lots of RAVE reviews on the KY Yours + Mine. The Hubs cocked an eyebrow (oh my god, I can’t stop!) and turned to me – “you wanna try it?”

So there I was. Standing in the middle of Le Sex Shoppe on a Saturday night, with Rick, Trenchcoat Guy, and the mousy-looking Secretary-type who thought she was flying under the radar all staring back at me as I struggled to find a classy (!?) way to say “I have a flux-capacitor shaped scar in my oh-so-tight vagina that I am not looking to have lit aflame again, so no I don’t want to “try it” thankyouverymuch, and since we’re all listening so intently, there is baby vomit between my boobs, I’m covered in stretch marks, and my stomach looks like someone glued a deflated skin-colored beach ball to the front of it. Now who wants to fuck?

What I came up with after what felt like a good forty-five seconds of desperate silence as I tried to get my husband to telepathically understand the above sentiment was: “Um, I think…ah…I don’t think we’re….uh…I think that might be…overly ambitious.”

Rick actually laughed out loud. Scott, sensing my discomfort, gave me one of his crooked smiles, and dutifully reached for the plain ‘ol Jelly. (Y’know, the stuff they use at your OB’s office. Talk about sexy.) He handed it to Rick. But this party wasn’t over yet. “KY’s tried and true” said Rick, “but if you’re really having trouble getting wet, this Agape stuff rocks my face off.” Kill me. Kill me right the fuck now. Rick’s helpful advice had just expanded to include personal endorsements.

He informed us that the best lubes have glycerin in them, which is great for vaginal dryness, but can also lead to yeast infections, and most chicks don’t dig that. As it turns out, Rick is kind of like a lube sommelier. And quite the salesman. By the time all was said and done, we’d ditched the KY Jelly, and walked out of there with [almost no modesty remaining] and two high-end, Rick-approved, glycerin-free personal lubricants. Uh…and also a membership to their rewards program…since we figured we might be back for more of this alleged wonder-lube.

So to tie in my Back To the Future reference and bring this baby full circle? The moral of the story is this: With a little high-octane lube and a vibrating cock ring we were finally able to get my vagina up to 88MPH…’cause where we’re going…we don’t need roads. (What? Roads? That doesn’t even make sense. The lube was awesome. The sex was epic. The end.)

Rick’s Pick’s:

JO H2O Water Based Personal Lubricant

Pink Water Lubricant

Feed Me Seymour

  58 comments for ““Doc, Are You Telling Me This Sucker’s Nuclear?”

  1. Jennifer Bennett
    August 6, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Amazing!!! Love it. And now I’m late for work.

  2. August 6, 2012 at 7:38 am

    OMGawsh … sommelier had me spew coffee … this was great for my Monday morning wtf am I doing this week …. 

  3. tertalq
    August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    @the818 wish I had this 5 years ago! ! Thanks for posting!!!

  4. happiestbaby
    August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    @the818 sorry to have missed you at #BlogHer12 – @Alena29 was singing your praises!

    • the818
      August 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      @happiestbaby Sorry to have missed you too! I could have used a whole extra day to get it all in.

      • August 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm

        ….and as a reply that appears on this post, that sounds so wrong…

  5. vsjacobsen
    August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    @the818 Thank you for posting that! I found it QUITE interesting. =)

  6. August 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Great post! Glad you got it all…ahem…worked out. ;-)

  7. HeMaOl
    August 6, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    @the818 OMG….”bologna pony” just galloped it’s way into my weekly vocabulary.

  8. ordermeanother
    August 6, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    @the818 I did BOTH!

    • the818
      August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

      @ordermeanother I aim to please, friend.

  9. tophersgirl1
    August 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    @the818 That was one of my favorite posts in all of internet history.

  10. Babe_Chilla
    August 6, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    @the818 dying at your post. I once had a similar screaming “MY CLIT IS BURNING & MELTING” experience with an “enhancing lube”. SOOO sexy.

    • tophersgirl1
      August 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

      @Babe_Chilla @the818 We had one of the “why does my penis feel so hot? Wait… OMG!!!” experiences with a “warming” product… So not ok.

      • Babe_Chilla
        August 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

        @tophersgirl1 @the818 there was screaming & wiping & tears and the contemplation that 911 would be involved. Not the enhancement I was after

        • AGoodFamilyLife
          August 6, 2012 at 4:16 pm

          @Babe_Chilla @tophersgirl1 @the818 this convo is killin me….so sorry to laugh at SO NOT funny situations…..

        • tophersgirl1
          August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

          @AGoodFamilyLife @Babe_Chilla @the818 Rinsing. SO MUCH RINSING OF ALL THE PARTS.

    • SoWondSoMarv
      August 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

      @Babe_Chilla @the818 There are just some things not meant for your womanly bits, “warming” anything is one of them.

      • Babe_Chilla
        August 6, 2012 at 4:11 pm

        @SoWondSoMarv @the818 this wasn’t even warming. It was “stimulating”. Stimulating the fucking thing right off.

        • the818
          August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

          @babe_chilla @SoWondSoMarv ::floor::

        • SoWondSoMarv
          August 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

          @Babe_Chilla @the818 It’s not like you don’t need the damn thing.You don’t see gallbladder stimulating shit so if it goes awry, you’re cool.

        • Babe_Chilla
          August 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

          @SoWondSoMarv @the818 and it’s always a appropriate time to be screaming profanity. Sexy and in no way a mood killer.

        • SoWondSoMarv
          August 6, 2012 at 9:36 pm

          @Babe_Chilla @the818 I’ve been doing this all wrong for years apparently. Will correct and let you know how it goes over with the hubs.

  11. helenlindsay
    August 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    @the818 i’m 2 wks postpartum & my hubs has been dying to have sex with me. we read your post this morning & he’s been quiet ever since.

    • August 6, 2012 at 4:26 pm

      @helenlindsay You’re welcome.

  12. Babe_Chilla
    August 6, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    @the818 as an added bonus, water made it worse and there was a whole process of “what might help?” like when you eat fiery hell.

    • the818
      August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

      @babe_chilla Did you try milk? ;)

      • tophersgirl1
        August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

        @the818 @babe_chilla Put some bread on it!

        • Babe_Chilla
          August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

          @tophersgirl1 @the818 is it a vagina or a deli? WHO CAN TELL?

        • TheNextMartha
          August 6, 2012 at 4:26 pm

          @Babe_Chilla @tophersgirl1 @the818 Snatch Sandwich?

        • Babe_Chilla
          August 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

          @TheNextMartha @tophersgirl1 @the818 Snatchwich? Vagwich? “do you want fries with that?”

        • Babe_Chilla
          August 6, 2012 at 6:06 pm

          @TheNextMartha @tophersgirl1 @the818 wait, I think we just figured out what the vag fan was for.

        • the818
          August 6, 2012 at 6:31 pm

          @Babe_Chilla @thenextmartha @tophersgirl1 amazing to turn my phone on at the end of the flight and find this. Love you bidges.

        • Kurtl7rc195
          August 6, 2012 at 6:41 pm
      • Babe_Chilla
        August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

        @the818 does yogurt count because then yes.

      • mrshiggison
        August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm

        @the818 @babe_chilla this just made me harf a little…

        • AGoodFamilyLife
          August 6, 2012 at 4:31 pm

          @mrshiggison @the818 @babe_chilla bwahaha, only a little harf?!?!?!

        • Babe_Chilla
          August 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

          @AGoodFamilyLife @mrshiggison @the818 smidge of harf, splash of gag, pinch of vom?

  13. followlinus
    August 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    @the818 that was an amazing read. You are a riot!

  14. nerdyapple
    August 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    @the818 I once got bio freeze on my lady bits. It was Dante’s Level 2.

  15. Yael Daphna Saar
    August 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    LOLing on the bus on the way home from blogher. You had me at “lube sommelier”…

  16. notsuperjustmom
    August 7, 2012 at 7:36 am

    @the818 I think the comments on that post are as good as the post itself.

    • the818
      August 7, 2012 at 7:36 am

      @notsuperjustmom I concur.

  17. Midwife101
    August 7, 2012 at 7:46 am

    @the818 That is an epic post! Your bravery in sharing it, with flare at that, is awesome.

  18. goodburga
    August 8, 2012 at 8:47 am

    @the818 I shouldn’t have read that!

  19. Jenndola
    August 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    @the818 Was one of the questions, “Do I have to?” ;-)

  20. Esme_SageFemme
    August 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    @the818 Excellent post. P.S. Don’t ever ever ever let anyone you buy any more KY insanity. Its got capsaicin in it (pepper). Astroglide-YES

  21. Esme_SageFemme
    August 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    @the818 *Anyone you know. Dang.

  22. brandyperkins
    August 10, 2012 at 10:40 am

    @the818 @JenMamaFarmer I enjoyed this blog post way too much. Thanks!

  23. thegrumbles
    August 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    @the818 first, you put the p in the v…

    • ordermeanother
      August 11, 2012 at 8:40 pm

      @thegrumbles @the818 CORRECT! #stepone

      • the818
        August 12, 2012 at 6:40 am

        @ordermeanother @thegrumbles Step Two: There’s So Much We Can Do… #stepbystep

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