Category Archives: Brain Rot

I love TV. More than is probably healthy.

Dec 09 4 comments
Brain Rot

I inven’ed this friggin’ pouf.

TELL ME YOU ARE WATCHING JERSEY SHORE.    IT IS FRIGGIN’ AWESOME.

::fist pump::

Obviously I have tons of things to say about this show.   Let me just collect myself for a moment.     Oh my god, I can’t.   It’s too fantastically trashy.    But I too have lived in the shadow of  a regional stereotype…a blond white girl from the valley who drives a compact, uses “like” as verbal filler, and starts sentences in the middle.    So yeah.   I mean, it’s one thing to embrace your stereotype with a cheeky nod – but to live up to said stereotype with the unabashed commitment that these Guido’s bring to the part?  Well that’s really impressive.   And let’s not forget the Guidettes.

Jersey Shore is totally the new Rock of Love.    And what I mean by that, is that it is the new trainwreck to stare at with mouth agape, wondering how one could ever really recover from something like that to go on an rejoin society as a contributing member.  ‘Cause really – once all of your potential future employers have seen you try to operate the duck phone/remove a girl’s thong with your teeth in a hot tub/do backflips in a miniskirt sans underwear/SERIOUSLY INSERT SPECTACLE OF BAD TASTE AND JUDGMENT HERE BECAUSE THEY’RE DOING IT ON THAT SHOW – I have to imagine any and all hopes of a professional life are out the window.    Unless you want to open up your own shop doing nappy hair extensions.   Because JWoww’s probably got that market cornered.

And clearly this show SCREAMS for it’s own drinking game.   Except if you tried to drink every time they said Guido, you’d probably drop dead on the spot.    So maybe you drink when they talk about tanning.    Or when someone compliments DJ Pauly D’s hair un-ironically.    Or when Snooki gets socked in the face.    Sounds fun, right?    And don’t even get me started on the sound bytes.   Like: “I’m too good for this job.   I’m a bartender.   I do like…great things” (courtesy of self proclaimed “cock block” Angelina) or  “If you don’t love The Situation, I’m gonna MAKE YOU love The Situation.”   (…never has rape sounded so SEXY.)    So yeah.   Watch Jersey Shore.   Because before you know it, someone is bound to get offended enough to have this show taken off the air, and you’re not going to want to have missed it when it’s gone.

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Nov 26 2 comments
Brain Rot, The Trivial, Videos

Giving Thanks

If you don’t watch How I Met Your Mother, here’s another good reason you should be:

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Aug 17 6 comments
Brain Rot, The Trivial

Putting the WHORE in HORRIBLE

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So…the worst person on earth finally has her own show.  *Sigh*  Okay, so that photo above isn’t from the atrocity “Megan Wants a Millionaire” – it’s from the greatest moment in reality TV history – the Charm School 2 Reunion Show in which Sharon Osbourne dumped her drink on Miss Megan before proceeding to rip the weave out of her stupid, self-entitled head, but I’d much rather perpetuate images like that of VH1 Reality Ho Megan Hauserman than pictures of her vamping for the camera looking [even remotely] hot.   (Re-live my glee of having witnessed that event on television for the first time, HERE.)

I know I’d sworn I’d rather walk face-first into a buzz saw than watch this disaster (seriously, I am saddened to have to raise my child in a world where shows like this exist) but curiosity got the best of me and I finally turned it on late Saturday night.    Let’s start with the positives.   It looks like Megan has either packed on a couple of LBs (and let’s be honest, I do only mean a couple – she obviously still has a body I could only hope for) which has the delightful effect of giving her the faintest of chin rolls (or maybe she’s just cranking her head back into her neck to stay as far away a possible from some of the disgusting lech’s they’ve populated her dating pool with) but either way, that combined with her screechy-ass voice gives her an uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy.   I fucking love it.   I’m calling her that from now on.   Okay, that’s the only positive.

Miss Piggy’s show is off to a better start than Daisy’s show, because MP actually does appear to have some semblance of a brain.   Given, she uses it to be a high-priced whore, but I’m pretty sure it’s in there, and rational thought even makes an appearance from time to time in her attempts to manipulate millionaires into giving her their money (you know, in extreme cases when her cleavage and severe case of D.S.L. fails to work.)   So watching her interact with these guys – who are (for the most part) definitely more intelligent than the Daisy crop of suitors can be mildly entertaining at times.   It goes without saying that the only type of millionaire who is going to go on a show like this are enormous D-Bags, so as much as I love to loathe Megan, it does seem like it could be borderline fun to watch her hand these asshats their balls on a silver platter at the end of each show when her signature keep/ditch lines are “Your Credit is still good with me” and “your credit has been declined” respectively, which she delivers with all the enthusiasm of Paris Hilton on ‘ludes.    Oh, and speaking of ‘ludes – I’m pretty sure they’ve sedated her Chihuahua to keep it from schitzing out at the sound of her voice/being touched by the gross lech’s who seem to think that fondling the dog is a direct ticket to fondling Miss Piggy herself.   I hope PETA is watching.

On the first episode, we watched as Megan cut the poorest and least attractive first, followed by the cockiest, and the meekest – and in a strange play of “I like having my face eaten by awkward wannabe lotharios” she kept the contestant who is pretty undeniably gay after he delivered what had to be the grossest kiss I’ve ever seen not in a Wayan’s Bros movie.

I’m not sure what her strategy is,  since she did manage cut the guy I had deemed to be least repulsive (poor meek Shawn) but I don’t think I’ll be tuning in to find out.   Watching her suck face with Ancient (self-declared) Jersey Mafioso Big Mike might be too much for my pregnant gag reflex to handle.    (But please, by all means, check out the bios on the contestants, and note that all but one of their credentials start with either “says that” or “claims to” keeping hope alive that the big joke of this show will be on Megan when it’s revealed that her suitors are no more millionaires than Evan Marriott.    Please please please Vh1, let that be the case – giving this atrocity a punchline might save your EP’s from the special place in hell that’s been reserved for people who create reality shows like this one.)

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Jul 30 2 comments
Brain Rot, The Trivial

SYTYCD – The Final Chapter.

SYTYCD+S5+Top+6

Tonight the final four dancers will be chosen on So You Think You Can Dance, and I just couldn’t let an entire season go by without airing my two cents.   I hate to say it, but Season Five has been a little bit of a disappointment compared to previous years.   Sure, the judges are calling the cast the most talented they’ve had yet, but the SYTYCD judges have a habit of jerking off to how great they think their show is, and how wonderful it’s been for the dance community, so I pretty much take anything those egomaniacs say at this point with a grain of salt.

While I’m on the topic of the judges…have you ever seen that episode of Friends where Joey auditions for a play that Jeff Goldblum is directing?   Whenever we watch SYTYCD, Scott and I can’t help but be reminded of the notes Goldblum gave Joey: “that performance was vertical – I need you to be more horizontal.”   …You know, in that they too are spewing total nonsense.    Especially Lil’ C, who I was thrilled to see skewered in a montage a few weeks ago, mocking his tendency to sound like he’s reading out of a thesaurus, without taking the time to learn the actual meanings of the words he uses.   Check it out:

Now back to why I think this years crop of contestants is the worst ever.   The past few seasons, it’s been easy to get on board the SYTYCD train, because the contestants have been likable and memorable from week to week.    (Take Season Three’s Lauren and Neil for example – they were early favorites for me, because they stood out both in skill and personality.   Same goes for last season’s Katie and Joshua, Courtney and Gev, Chelsea and Mark, and Kerrington and Twitch.   See? I still remember their names, but I’ve long forgotten most of those who took the top 20 stage this year.)   For whatever reason, this year’s group failed to make any sort of indentation in my memory from week to week – which in my (totally non-expert) opinion resulted in a lot of the really talented dancers getting let go much sooner than their less-talented counterparts.

As for the top six: I still love Evan’s quirkiness, and Ade’s positivity has definitely grown on me.    Brandon on the other hand makes me want to firebomb the smugness off his face and force him to put some freaking clothes on.   (Unfortunately I think I might be in the minority on my love of Evan, who I hope gets to stick around for the final week.)    Jeanine, who was one of my few early favorites, didn’t shine as much as I’d hoped last night (even when choreographed by my fave duo Nappy Tabs, who always manage to bring the comedy) and I fear may have surrendered her spot in the final to Melissa, who I couldn’t possibly be more over.   Kayla’s my pick for “America’s Favorite Dancer” – because in the words of Adam Shankman, she’s just “ridiculous” in every routine she does.   (Plus, her grandparents are so cute cheering her on every week.)

Oh, and I’m also over Sonya Tayeh – last night solidified my opinion of her as Wade Robson lite.    File her with Mia Michaels under “faces I could go the rest of my life without seeing again.”     Boo-yah.     (Whatever.)

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Jun 23 3 comments
Brain Rot, The Trivial

Jon, you used to be cool.

gosselin-b_18 When the Gosselins first became tabloid fodder, I really felt for them (and blamed Octomom.)   I’d watched their show casually for a couple of years, and I felt like this was just a sweet little family in an unexpected situation making the best of it.   I live in the world, so it’s been hard NOT to be somewhat aware of the affair rumors and all around marital collapse that seems to have overtaken the family of 10  these past few months.  But last night, as we were getting ready for dinner, my husband announced “Oh, you’re welcome by the way – I think tonight is when Jon and Kate are announcing their divorce, so I tivo’d it for you.”   (He’s always looking out for me, that Scott.)

Anyway – last night’s show really brought me over to the other side as far as J&K are concerned.   Scott and I watched in horror as they kicked off the show with yet another one of the product placement plugs that have made the Gosselins famous (even in the early days, this was a little off-putting) before delving into the inevitable dissolution of their marriage.   It was hard to watch.   Kate seemed disinterested as she played play-dough with the sextuplets, and looked like a disaster (and displayed the bottoms of her feet for all of America to see…yuck) as she attempted to sound hopeful in her defeat.    But Kate’s always been an easy target.

The kids were equally as disturbing.   Mady and Cara’s over-the-top performances were blatant cries for attention, but I think that’s to be expected from the older siblings of sextuplets.   Aiden, one of the sextuplet boys insisted to Jon that he “be quiet, we’re doing the interviews” in a moment that I’m sure was meant to be cute, but really just made me kinda sad for these little one’s for whom “doing interviews” has become the norm.

But Jon.   Oh Jon.   With his hairplugs (which as Scott pointed out he should have waited longer to get, since he’s developed a nice new bald spot on the back of his noggin) and diamond studs in each ear, he announced their separation with almost no emotion whatsoever.   He followed it up with a flippant “I don’t hate Kate, but…you know…” (I really do.)   While Kate did her best to act like the separation was a trial – “the start of a new chapter” Jon appeared to be closing the book completely, telling viewers “I’m only 32…” and “who knows what could happen – I could be offered a job.”   A job doing what Jon?   Are you looking to start your own VH1 reality show where you date a bunch of underage whores?  (Because that I would watch.   Maybe it can be called “Father Knows Best…of Love”)

Anyway, it’s with great sadness that I add Jon’s name to the list of nominees for The818.com’s Reality TV Total Douchenozzle of the year award.   Jon, you used to be cool.   Although at least someone’s looking out for the Gosselin kids – despite the fact that Kate rallied “The Show Must Go On” while lamenting her divorce on national television, TLC announced this morning that they’d be putting the show on hiatus.

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