To Wax, or not to wax…

bikini-wax

Back in my first trimester, I briefly pondered the idea of a bikini wax.   Before the plus sign I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but at the time I was barfing 4-5 times daily, and blowing chunks into rapidly hardening hot wax covering my private areas seemed like something that deserved a moment’s consideration.    Then there was the issue of this “increased blood flow” to the region that happens while pregnant.   At the time a quick survey of all the women I knew who had recently been pregnant came back with a resounding TRY A RAZOR, so I put the issue to bed and proceeded to do my own grooming.

But, uh…now I’m at that point in my pregnancy where…err…safely reaching my lady bits has become a bit of a challenge.    You know how I said I can no longer see my lower-belly tattoo?   Well, suffice it to say that I can’t see what’s going on below that tattoo either.   So the question arises again…to wax, or not to wax.    As I consider this very important issue (I mean…I can’t be walking into Labor and Delivery looking like I’ve got disco fever, now can I?) I can’t help but remember one particularly brutal waxing session that took place a few days before my wedding, and shudder from the sheer horror of it.

Her name was Angelique, and she worked at this fancy new salon around the corner from my house.   She came highly recommended, and while some may think it was ill-advised for me to try a new beautician just a few days before my wedding, that’s kind of just how I roll.   I arrived, and as she ushered me back to her waxing studio she leaned in like she had a secret: “I just got this great new wax – It takes a little longer to cool, but it’s about half as painful, if you don’t mind.”  Half as painful?   Oh happy day.    Count me in.

Now for anyone who has never experienced the sensation of hot wax hardening over your private areas (ie: french women, straight men, and hippies) let me tell you that it can be rather unsettling, and is certainly something that you are looking to have happen as quickly and painlessly as possible.

…And to avoid any future confusion, ANGELIQUE, that’s A) quickly, and B) painlessly, yes in that order, and yes, I do mind!

What I am NOT looking for when I walk in to your salon THE WEEK OF MY WEDDING for what may well be the MOST IMPORTANT BIKINI WAX OF MY LIFE is for you to glue those silly paper panties you just handed me to my effing labia with this new-fangled-slow-cooking wax.  Nor am I looking for you to unceremoniously give that wax, and those panties the hardest yank you can muster, nearly tearing off half of my lady parts in the process.  And what I am really seriously defnitely not looking for is for you to then cut those stupid paper panties off of me only to pluck my slow-cooling wax covered pubic hair out one by one for AN HOUR AND A FREAKING HALF as a result.

I walked out of there hobbling like a cowboy and feeling like I had just taken a power-sander to the cooch.   I was lucky to heal in time for the big day…and it took me months before I was ready to brave the waxing table (someone ELSE’S waxing table) again.   So, you can see why I might hesitate to relive that experience with a belly the size of texas and that infamous increased blood flow.

So I ask again…to wax, or not to wax?   Is it worth it?   Any tips?   Can you use that numbing stuff while you’re carrying a child?

(Now excuse me while I crawl under my bed at the thought of any of the men in my life who might read this and weep at the very mention of me even having parts that would necessitate a bikini wax.   Sorry guys.   Although on the bright side, I’m pretty sure I scared my Dad off for good with my Dildo post, so there’s one less weeping man for me to worry about.)

(Oh, and no – that picture is not of me.   There is no way in hell I would let a guy who looks like ex-KGB wax me, let alone post a picture of it on the internet…although I’m sure he’s very quick and efficient about it.)

Feed Me Seymour

  19 comments for “To Wax, or not to wax…

  1. July 24, 2009 at 10:44 am

    omfgomfgOMFG! I’ve only waxed once. There is a reason. I don’t like pain. I shave that bitch!

    {so, yeah, um, that’s a BIG NO from me. but if you’re used to it? why not}

  2. Erin
    July 24, 2009 at 11:18 am

    I don’t think I have ever squeezed my legs together so tightly out of fear as I did while reading your post. I have never waxed and had planned never to have to…and I’m pretty sure after that post…I never will! Thank you for confirming that my fears are rational! Happy Friday!

  3. July 24, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    Oh hun, don’t even worry about it! Believe me, once you’re in labor, the last thing on your mind will be how tidy the hedges are…in fact, you will no longer care if every person you know is standing there scoping out your lady bits. I tried to primp before going to the hospital…wast of friggin time…no one cares…in fact, I think pregnant women are supposed to be extra hairy…and as a bonus, it carries over once the baby is born…modesty has left the building…this is the one time in your life when it is absolutely acceptable to channel your inner Yetti.

    and before you think i’m an old lady, I’m 30 and my daughter is 15 months..

  4. July 24, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    i’m going to be the sole dissenter here and say yes. do it. i found it no worse than before pregnancy.

    think of it as preparation for dealing with the pain of labor.

  5. July 24, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Go natural baby!! I’m just sayin…

    You’re going to have way bigger things to worry about in a few months. I think you could possibly give your gyna (that’s what my 2yr old daughter calls it) a break from waxing for a year or so.

  6. July 24, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Oh my flippin GAWD!

    This was hilarious. It’s too late to be laughing this loud.

    I’m embarrassed to say I have never waxed. I would like to but the thought of someone down there beside my hubby or OB/GYN kinda freaks me out.

    No matter how HUGE I got, I always managed to (safely) get my razor where it needed to go. LOL

  7. Iva
    July 24, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    omgomg!OMG! I am dying. You are hysterical. Um seriously the pain is just much to much for me. much. no need. I’m in pain reading this post. If you can take it go for it…I shaved..REALLY SLOWLY but I did lol… I am also pretty sure that neither time now looking back, did I wonder about what was happening there once I was in labor.omg. I am still laughing. Have a great weekend!

  8. neal
    July 25, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I don’t understand why all your guy readers haven’t commented on this post.

  9. July 26, 2009 at 5:07 am

    I’ve recently considered getting my first wax, but after reading this I’m not so sure! If you still want to do it after that experience, what can it hurt?

  10. Amber Watkins
    July 26, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    you had me laughing myself into tears reading this!! I am not even preggo yet and I am already worried what I’m going to do when i can’t see my hoo-ha to shave it later in the pregnancy!!! I am too chicken shit to have it waxed!! My cousin says her husband has always shaved her even when she wasn’t preggo (he must like it shaved and she is too lazy to shave it)… So since i heard that, i have had a “serious” discussion with my hubby about learning to take care of Miss Thang when I get preggo and can’t see it… We will see how that goes… but i too fear going into labor with a big ole hairy bush!!

  11. July 26, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    i love that sara said to do it. hahahahaa.

  12. Morgan
    July 27, 2009 at 8:32 am

    Ha! Sar – I think you might have been the one yes the last time I polled, but I’m also beginning to think you might have been the only person who actually attempted it…
    The Bliss package is tempting, I must say…

  13. August 1, 2009 at 9:18 am

    That is just too funny!! OMG!! I’ve had my lady bits waxed a few times… never while pregnant (never been pregnant) but this has really enlightened me, lol!! I got brazilians before… I thought I’d try to get one while pregnant, but wouldn’t laying on your back be uncomfortable too? Hmm, I’m not sure!

  14. August 1, 2009 at 9:18 am

    OoOOoh!! And HAPPY SHAREFEST! :) you were ahead of me on SITS!

  15. August 1, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Ok, seriously, I think I’ve stopped laughing. Ahh what a great post, I LOVE your descriptions woman and I am now feeling your pain. I have no comments on the point of waxing since I’ve only had it done once and not the full on hair stripping, just the edges to tidy the place up a bit before company arrived kinda waxing.

    Loved the post and thanks for sharing it on my blog! Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! (again!) xx

  16. JC
    April 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Just ran into this post not sure how and someone in one of the posts asked why guy viewers don’t leave a comment. Well, here it is. Just reading the amount of pain you went through just freaked me out. I am ready to do a community service and give you all a free slowly done shave just to save you from the pain. Ooouch!! I cut my balls once during a shave and now my entire system down under goes into panic as soon my razor hits the ground. I feel for you ladies and really appreciate the effort to make it looking clean and pretty for men and for babies. In my opinion, the husband should do it if he really loves her. Waxing gives a smooth shave alright but even the idea is painful to me.

    Love :-)
    JC

    • Morgan
      April 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

      OMG, I am dying laughing. I mean, I’m sorry you cut your balls.

      • JC
        April 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

        Okay, don’t die laughing please. Its all healed now and nothing leaked out or anything. I know it is funny but it wasn’t funny at the time. I like your humerous writing style. Glad I dropped by. Ciao.

Talk to me. Please. I'm almost always alone or with a toddler.