Walking around knowing your cervix is gaping open is a really weird feeling. Like my Vagina is some kind of time bomb. Like at any second my water will burst in the self-help section of Ikea/on my couch/all over the upholstery of my car, and labor will have begun. At this point, I’ve become so convinced that every twinge, every gurgle, every twitch is a sign that something’s starting that this morning I sneezed a little blood and got momentarily excited. That’s how crazy I’m getting. I mean…I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that my bloody show isn’t going to be expelled through my nose.
I was doing really well. Really I was. I had a great outlook on this whole “going into labor” thing. I was never a chart-er or a mark Aunt Flo’s visit on the calendar kind of girl, so to me, October 13th has always been just that: an estimate. A loose suggestion off of which to base the 4 week period in which I could deliver. But OB’s have this irritating habit of trying to guess when their patients are going to go into labor. Naturally, my OB is no exception. At last week’s appointment, she told me (unsolicited) that she had a hunch she’d be seeing me this past weekend, rather than at my regularly scheduled appointment this week. [Obviously she did not.] Still, hearing that sentence uttered set off the “OH MY GOD – I’M GOING TO HAVE MY BABY AT ANY SECOND” alarms in my placenta infested mind, and each day I remain pregnant is just a little more torturous than the last.
On the brightside, I’ve always been a procrastinator, and being convinced that baby could arrive at any moment has forced me into action. I’ve read all the labor books that were sitting on my nightstand for months. I’ve washed everything we have for the girl. I’ve been writing Thank-You notes like a mo-fo. It’s like I’m cramming for the biggest exam of my life. Which I guess I kind of am.
And this is where the Old Wives tales come in. Lots of sex. Long walks. Pineapple. Evening Primrose Oil. Spicy Foods. Once you hit full term, everyone wants to share their sure fire way to get labor started. Well, I ate an entire pineapple in one sitting (admittedly this was mostly because my appetite is off the charts and pineapple is delicious) and I’m still pregnant, so take that Old Wives. I haven’t made it out to Caioti Cafe yet for their famous Labor Salad, but you can bet I’ll be eating lunch there by week’s end if this girl is still hanging out in me. (Oh, and by the way, EVERYONE ON EARTH, stop telling pregnant women to drink Castor Oil. Those who’ve tried it will report that the only thing it induces is explosive diarrhea, and that’s something none of us need at this stage of the game.)
Want to weigh in on when our little Valley Girl will make her entrance? Place your wagers HERE.
Some stats to help you on your way:
- I’m currently 4cm dilated, 80-90% effaced, and baby has dropped.
- My due date based on my LMP is October 13th, my six week ultrasound placed it around October 10th, and the neonatologist I saw at 12 weeks called it for October 7th. I won’t share what the most recent ultrasound predicted, because, well, it’s pretty inaccurate at this point anyway.
- MP (that’s code for Mucus Plug) has only partially escaped, and I’ve yet to have timeable contractions.