There’s an old wives tale that goes something like this: If a woman is radiant and glowing during pregnancy, she’s having a boy. However, if the pregnant woman looks haggard, and her appearance fades, she’s pregnant with a girl… as girls are said to steal their mother’s beauty. (Little snots.) Well, wouldn’t you know it? Delilah Georgie is a girl.
At some point close to the end of my pregnancy, I stopped trying to wear pants. It’s not that they were too small per se (okay, it was also that) – it’s just that my body became such an uncomfortable, swollen, sweaty place to be that I couldn’t be adding denim (or another other un-breathable material) to the mix. And that trend continued until I decided to suck it up and hit Target last week in search of some not-disgusting looking bottoms that fit me and weren’t meant for the gym. I mean…I do have to go to meetings dressed like a human on occasion. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t buy the big pants in the size I would need to accommodate my enormous bottom. So, I opted for a new pair of maternity pants instead. [Here's where I remind you that I'm nearly 4 mos postpartum, and then calmly blow my own face off.]
But this little trip to Target, which was my second unsuccessful pants-finding mission inside of a month, forced me to face the music: I promised myself that when I finish the tub of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream (Limited Edition) currently in the freezer it will be my last, and I will stop stuffing my face and get serious about getting my body back. And then I did something crazy…
I took Dee to our first Mommy and Me Yoga Class. (And, y’know… also my first post-baby attempt at doing anything more strenuous than walking.) The thing about being all huge and out of shape is that stuff that you used to be able to do no problem? It’s suddenly harder. Like it’s not bad enough that you gain all the extra weight and LOOK worse. You have to FEEL every bit of that extra weight, too. And the yoga class? It was like they’d called it “Mommy and Me” so I was fooled into bringing my daughter with me to this torture session – meaning I couldn’t wimp out, because then what kind of lesson would I be teaching her? (Although I’m not really sure that watching Mommy tie herself in knots while turning six shades of crimson and sweating like a pig for the better part of two hours was a “lesson” that needed learning, looking back on it.) It was like an hour and a half of cruel reminders of where things used to be vs. where they are now. Who’s body is this? When I got pregnant, I was in the best shape of my life, and now I have love handles that have to be squished out of the way before I can attempt (unsuccessfully) the half-bound lotus. And by the way, yoga instructor, a half-bound lotus in a “post-natal mommy and me” yoga class? ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH? Seriously, I think my ass almost fell out of my mouth. ( Is that possible? I’m genuinely concerned.) Since devolving into a shapeless mass that sits on the couch, I had forgotten how sadistic those zen yoga bitches can be. OWWWWWW. Oh, and to add insult to [potentially serious] injury, there’s nothing to remind you what a cow you are like spending ninety minutes in spandex alongside women with younger babies than yours who have already managed to get their ass back where it belongs.
Which brings me to to this:
Dear Skinny A-holes in my Yoga Class: Fuck you. (Also, do you want to be my friend? Our kids are the same age, and you guys all live in my neighborhood…)
Related posts:
“(Also, do you want to be my friend? Our kids are the same age, and you guys all live in my neighborhood…)” This cracked me up b/c that’s totally how I would feel after an FU to all those other women who’ve lost the baby weight and then some already. You are a better person than me to attempt working out in front of others. I just hide in my bedroom and don’t even like it when the hubby happens to watch.
metta1313´s last blog ..V-Day Giveaway!
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::triple dead at this post::
I would like to have a hit of whatever your yoga instructor is sampling. Because being that hallucinated of reality seems like a really awesome place to be in life right now.
also, you look gorg in that picture with dee.
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I was going to check out a mommy and me yoga class too. What do you do with the baby while you’re torturing yourself? I kind of wish there was an introductory level or something. I’m definitely in the WORST shape of my life at the moment.
On a more positive note, Delilah looks absolutely adorable.
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Morgan Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 6:57 pm
The babies just lay on the floor in front of you!!! At one point some of the bigger babies all collected on one mat in a little play party. Dee was actually cool the whole time – I couldn’t believe she just sat there and watched me.
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THIS:
“Dear Skinny A-holes in my Yoga Class: Fuck you. (Also, do you want to be my friend? Our kids are the same age, and you guys all live in my neighborhood…)”
IS AMAZING.
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here’s another one that I heard before:
Can I borrow a quarter?
My sister says “why?”
Response: I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Jackie´s last blog ..Chop, Chop, Chop – Time for a Change
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Good job on the doing something that will make you feel better. I know exactly how feeling like a blob is like. I was a size 4 before I had my first baby boy 18 months ago. I had a second 11 months later. I weigh more now than I did 2 weeks after I had my first baby. It really sucks, but I can’t seem to get off my fat ass and do anything about it. I commend you for doing yoga. And by the way, you look great in that picture with your baby.
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hahaha – awww. I adore yoga and find it really relaxing – hopefully you do too eventually!
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Awesome post! Go Morgan! By the way, this picture is adorable.
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Ah, yoga.
I made it through one class while I was pregnant. And during the nice dark, quiet time, I blacked out and barely made it to the toilet in time to heave.
It’s really not for me. I feel your anguish.
Jennifer´s last blog ..Recipe: Sausage and Polenta
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That is a sweet photo of you and your little one. And I second (third?) the love for the FU to skinny a-holes.
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haha I was a total dog by the end of pregnancy, and I had a boy. Also…those skinny girls in your yoga class…I feel your pain. Ive done a pretty good job losing the weight, but my SIL? She ran a marathon two months post-partum. What did I do two months post-partum? Successfully shower without someone else home to watch the baby.
Bekah´s last blog ..A VERY Blustery Day
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oh lord. i completely know how you feel. i have attempted to go pants shopping several times. then i went home empty-handed and cried (and ate..which helped). and kudos for the yoga class. i let jillian michaels kick my ass in private. it’s less embarrassing that way.
http://ecurran04.blogspot.com/
Erin´s last blog ..3 months
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“Sadistic zen yoga bitches” fo’ sho’! I’m totally impressed you even went. I have a Mommy and Me workout DVD that I can do in the privacy of my own home, and I’ve only even unwrapped the DVD. Kudos to you!
You are brilliant, and beautiful!
Eliza´s last blog ..Pull around and prove it to me.
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Everytime I see a picture of that cutie Dee she gets even more adorable! Love the pic of you two, you guys are super sweet.
Now, for the skinny mini Yoga Mommy’s who refused to eat during pregnancy…. Fuck you was exactly what I would have said! I am looking at my huge pregnant-ess ass thinkin, crap, this is gonna take me 18 years to fix. Seriously. I’m like a beached whale and yoga won’t even be happening up in this ass for like, ages. Respect to you for attending class and making a go of it!
On the other hand, you look fantastic! What are you worried about?! Just think, those other babies might be younger but there is no way they were cuter than your baby. Since their Mom’s didn’t eat during pregnancy… pfft.
Mesina´s last blog ..I’d like a logo to go please
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Hella funny – you crack me up! I completely understand your I Feel Like A Fat Ass feeling. I think it’s such bullshit that weight loss is so hard! You’re gorgeous & D is so beautiful.
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wow, I just you tubed that half lotus position and oh HELL NO. Props you for doing it. I considered a yoga class but now…um yeah.
FYI, I’m happily rocking your badge on my blog. your page is one of my favorites to read
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“Dear Skinny A-holes in my Yoga Class: Fuck you. (Also, do you want to be my friend? Our kids are the same age, and you guys all live in my neighborhood…)” <—– That was amazing.
I just started reading your blog (about 5 minutes ago) and can already tell I am a little in love.
I had to comment on this because right before finding out I was pregnant, I signed up for a yoga teacher training program. So I have spent the first six months of my pregnancy in yoga classes where everyone else is slimming down even more. I continue to gain weight, look more pregnant, and roll like a ball around my yoga mat, trying desperately to still touch my toes. Luckily I am finished this weekend and will waddle out with a certificate enabling me to teach once I pop out this baby in a couple more months.
If we lived closer I would totally invite you to my Baby and Me class in which we will not be doing half bound anything for a very.long.time.
Can't wait to keep reading…
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