Have your cake and eat it.

Last week, it happened again.   Days went by, and I didn’t know which one we were on any more.   And while that Grover video made me laugh the first time I saw it, that monster’s mug has been on top of my site for so long now that I’ve begun fantasizing about punching that little bastard’s blue lights out.   This week I’ve felt panicky and sweaty, and fail-y, like there isn’t enough xanax in the world, and then I realized.   I’d gotten cocky.   I was feeling so good, I’d forgotten to refill my prescription. I was off the meds.

Unfortunately for all of us (and by all of us, I mean my entire immediate and extended family) it also happened to be the week leading up to Delilah’s first birthday party.    Now, in general, I suck at planning.   So although I managed to pull it together enough to get Sara to take the photo for her invitation (which I also used to create the “So Big” gif down below) and even designed the invitation a month in advance, I never sent it out.   Good thing, because then due to extenuating circumstances, the party had to be pushed a week.    And then it was two weeks before the new, later date, and I still hadn’t printed the invitations, let alone sent them out…and finally it was like one week before and I managed to send a sloppily-concocted email list of  [hopefully at least most of?] our nearest and dearest the proof of the invite.    Wait…we still haven’t even gotten to the part where me being off the meds matters.   All of that was just happy, regular, well-adjusted{ish} me being a work-addicted flake (did I mention I got a new gig recently?   I did.   And I’m doing this in addition to my existing gig(s), because that’s how I roll.   Like, WAHM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM.)   {That’s internet-speak for Work-At-Home-Mom, not a weird ill-timed sex joke, just on the off chance you didn’t know.} Anywho ~ suffice it to say I wasn’t doing a bang-up job of party-planning to begin with.   And then I ran out of Zoloft.   Whoopsie-fucking-daisies.

[I'm laughing now, but honestly it's upsetting sometimes.   I hate when my little lady suffers as a result of my bullshit.  And also, now that the flood gates are open, I kind of hate that every time I sit down at the computer to type, I'm talking about myself and my newfound crazy.  It's liberating and cathartic and all, but probably irritating, isn't it?  Ugh.   But I digress. And also I clearly could use a nap.]

So now it’s the week of the party, and I am having an out of body experience.   Because it wasn’t like *poof* you’re a depressed mess, and I’ve been through waaaay too much therapy at this point not to recognize at least a little when my mind is playing tricks on me {finally!} but I was having this sort of odd, self-referential moment of “woah, I used to feel like this all the time, and I thought it was real…isn’t that weird?”  and while I was busy being all existential the minutes leading up to Delilah’s first birthday party were ticking away.   Every day my Mom would say “Can we make a list?” or “Do you want to plan a menu?”  and I would be like: “not right now Mom, I’m super busy, can’t you see that?”   Oh, avoidance.   Hello old friend.

And then it was the day before the party, and thankfully my big sister arrived with her big box of home-spun crafty goodness, and her big brain of brilliant birthday bonanza ideas, and in 24 hours we went from nothing, not even a guest list to a lovely little lilipad party for my lovely little lady ~ See?

More pictures will {hopefully} follow.   As is par for the course lately, I took precisely no pictures (okay, actually I did take two of the ones in that collage, but those are probably the only two I took all day) so I am now patiently waiting at the mercy of family and friends to share their photos.   Like that one Ange took with her cell phone at the top of this post.   Best cell phone picture ever, if I do say so myself.    At least when the party was over and the guest of honor was crashing with Daddy I had the presence of mind to capture this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE ONE.   I LOVE YOU MORE THAN CHOCOLATE COVERED RICE KRISPIE TREATS.   AND THAT’S A LOT.

{pssst ~ if you are my friends and/or family and were at the birthday bash, would you mind sharing your photos pretty please?}

{pssssssst psssssssst ~ if you are my friends and/or family and you are reading this thinking “thanks for the invite, b*tch” then please accept my apology for the oversight, give this post another read and rest assured, it’s not you it’s ME.}
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9 Responses to Have your cake and eat it.

  1. Linz says:

    You have the most gorgeous family (yourself included) EVAR. Here’s hoping that next year I’ll be able to celebrate the big 2.0 for Dee with yall.

    Also, I don’t think you realize how inspiring you are for me (and other ladies, I’m sure!) with your overcoming the depression to become a big bad successful BlogHer writer! So proud of you and so totally inspired by your story <3 Keep on posting, lady.

  2. bekah says:

    Looks like an adorable party!

    And I hope this doesnt come off as critical, its really only meant to be funny, but reading that post I got a mental picture of you starting to explain then talking faster and faster and faster and your hands start flying all over the place and you start forgetting to breathe…phew…I feel tired just reading it! I know the feeling well!

    The first pic and the last one are both precious, good memories to have!

  3. Elaine says:

    Definitely the best cell phone picture I’ve ever seen. Happy Birthday to your sweet little one.

  4. Courtenay says:

    Poop! I don’t see the collage…just the adorable picture up top of you and Dee and then of Dee and Daddy:-)

  5. Jenny says:

    You are such an inspiration. I am 23, nyu grad (go wildcats!) and no babies yet, and still something about reading your writing makes me feel so confident in my decisions. You are rocking life, and life is crazy and fast and scary, and sometime requires zoloft. And you are rocking it! And Delilah is so adorable! Just wanted you to know!
    xx, Jenny

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