The whole problem with this number, 30, I think, is that we have this imaginary list of things we are supposed to accomplish, and the closer the birthday gets, the less likely list completion begins to seem, and the more the panic sets in. I mean, I haven’t bought a house, or won an Oscar, or been on Conan, or cured cancer, or ANYTHING, so obviously I’m a total failure at life.
In 2005 I made a new friend. I was working as an assistant to a talent manager (basically I was the people who call the people to set the lunches that you hear about when celebrities joke about being celebrities on TV) and he was delivering pizzas in between doing script coverage for pennies a pop.
We were 22 and we’d sit on my couch in my 500 sq foot Hollywood apartment joking about the day when I’d be like, nursing my baby or something – can you imagine? – but we’d still be arguing over the funniest euphemisms for penis, only now we’d be getting paid for it. Oh, the fantasies of youth.
The script we were working on was called The Sister List, and it was a sorority sex comedy (think American Pie with college chicks.) As the title would suggest, the rushes of the Kappa Gamma Phi sorority (to our knowledge, a fictional sisterhood we invented) were expected to complete a LIST before they made Sister. One of those things, was to drink, nay, CHUG 151 from an engraved decanter as their fellow rushes bowed to the “Holy Mama Chug.”
There’s a point, I swear. And here it is: Back in ’05 when Eric and I were writing The Sister List (the movie we’ve come to call the greatest Straight-To-Video-Franchise never made) he swore up and down when we sold that screenplay (we didn’t) he would bestow upon me the Holy Mama Chug decanter and insist I bow to the tradition of the sisterhood of Kappa Gamma Phi.
Thursday I’ll turn 30. When Eric arrived at my birthday party, he shocked the hell out of me when he had me open a box wrapped in script pages from our first ever joint effort and I discovered none other than a very official, very engraved Holy Mama Chug decanter.
Because friends? I can’t believe I’m sharing this, because I still can’t believe it’s true, but thanks to THESE GUYS and THESE GUYS I’ve reached a career, life, DREAM milestone I’d for sure given up on EVER achieving somewhere deep in the depths of my postpartum mind fuck.
I set up my very first movie you guys. Sometime in 2013, if we all knock a fuckload of wood, you’ll be able to go to your local multiplex to check out the latest comedy from Eric and me. I can’t tell you how insanely mind blowing and crazy and surreal and amazing that is. Holy crap. And cheers to that.
And also? Chug…chug…chug…chug…chug…chug…chug…