Here’s where I pretend her birthday party was yesterday instead of a week ago and I post pictures of the festivities courtesy of the ever-talented Alex.
Dee’s turning two had an immediate and intense effect on our household. Something about hitting the two year anniversary of Scott and I becoming parents made us both feel like we’d FINALLY fucking found our groove. On Delilah’s birthday, I stood in the kitchen making up a recipe for red velvet pancakes while my little monkey cooed at me, and for the first time ever I found myself thinking “Man, I love being a Mom”. For the first time ever.
To clarify, I’ve loved being DEE’s Mom since the moment I laid eyes on her flickering heartbeat on the ultrasound screen almost three years ago. But that was specific to my kid, and if you asked me if I’d do it all again, between the job loss and the perinatal mood shit – the only reason I’d tell you YES was because I wouldn’t trade my baby for anything in the world. But if you’d guaranteed me I could have still had the same kid any time I wanted I might have taken a get out of jail free card on the last two years and waited until life stopped kicking me in the proverbial nuts.
The last two years have been brutal in so many ways. But while I forgot all about the work that I hadn’t done yet and focused on my little girl and giving her the very best day I could I realized that RIGHT NOW, FINALLY, I’m coming into my own Mom-ness. Just the activity of motherhood has become totally fulfilling to me. Don’t worry, I obviously still want all the things for my own life that I’ve always wanted, but I’m so happy that I can disappear into motherhood for a while and just be with my family. That’s not something I’ve had an easy time doing while trying to blaze a career path for myself. Mommytracked is a dirty word and it scared the crap out of me – still does, but it’s a relief to realize that being a mom, and enjoying it does not preclude you from being able to pursue your own dreams and desires. It doesn’t even have to slow you down. (But it should, because speeding through your child’s formative years like a stress case from hell isn’t going to benefit anybody in the long run. Surprise! I didn’t expire when I turned 30! I can still make my dreams come true!)
As you know, I kicked xanax the very next day.