Under Pressure

Sometimes I feel like I need to take my brain out, soak it in bleach for a while while the rest of me gets a massage and then put it back in. Then, and ONLY THEN will I feel completely refreshed.

I guess it would help to do that with my To-Do list as well. Oh look. Another To-Do.

I find it really difficult not to be jealous of other people. Or rather, I find it really difficult not to use the success and good fortune of others as a reason to flagellate myself.

I hate that.

It’s the thing about myself that I’ve worked the hardest to eradicate. Sometimes that makes me feel a little schizo. My inner voice starts in “If I had what she has…” and then my inner voice interrupts itself “It’s fine. You’re fine. You’re good. You’re getting there.”

I’m mostly jealous of other women. I wonder what’s up with that. Sometimes Lena Dunham’s very existence is enough to make me lightheaded with envy.

I know I need a mental health day when I start seeing green and talking back to the voice in my head. (It’s just one voice. I’m 99% sure it’s me. That’s normal right?)

Sometimes I just want to rebel against my inner voice(s) and take a nap on the couch.

But then another voice pipes up “Hey Mommy, it’s not nap time” and I remember that I have pretty much everything I need right here.

19 Responses to Under Pressure

  1. Kit Kelly says:

    Hey Chica-
    You don’t want other people’s shiny things because you don’t want other people’s shit-that-goes-with-it.
    Stay Gold Ponyboy, Stay Gold.
    Kit

  2. Doni says:

    I agree with Kitty. I remember when I was at the service desk at a dealership and a stunningly beautiful woman walked in. The entire department stopped and stared. I felt totally invisible and was envious of the obvious power she had on that room. But after she’d left, one guys turns to me and said, “I have no doubt that there’s someone out there that’s tired of her shit.” He’s right. There’s always going to be someone more beautiful, successful, fit, organized, talented, or whatever — and it’s hard not to compare yourself. But as long as you can re-frame those thoughts with all that YOU have (and there’s only that *one* voice talking you through it) — you’re good. :)

  3. mjillkrause says:

    Oh, it’s like we live the same. exact. life. So much of me in this. So much. It’s like a mirror. Let’s smash it together, okay?

  4. I have this problem too, but I always remember what someone told me and it kind of goes with what Kit said…the only people you can be jealous of are the ones you don’t know WELL…everyone puts their highlite reel on FB, IG and Twitter, and unless you walk a mile in their shoes and through their shit you have no idea. They could actually be jealous of YOU…Imagine that for moment. I’ll leave you and the voice to percolate that for the day…try not to go crazy :-)

    Have a good one.

  5. Arianna says:

    The thing is, you *are* getting there. Plus? You have the support of an AMAZEBALLS husband, and together y’all have given me the most beautiful, smart, fantastic future daughter-in-law.

    I dunno man, I feel like people should be envying YOU.

  6. Those voices in our heads are the toughest thing not to listen to. I’ve got one constantly telling me I’m not good enough. What’s helped me is what you came up with – finding what’s good in your life and focusing on that. It’s tough, but we can fight the negative. Be strong.

  7. Alena says:

    I want a nap. And just a peak at the shit-that-goes-with-the-shiny-things. Just so I can remember that shit when I see the shiny shit other people have.

  8. thepapermama says:

    Those kids, they make it great! <3

  9. Miranda says:

    High five. I get it. And yes to the nap. I think that right now, out of all the things other people have–shiny and not shiny–a nap is the one thing I want most.

  10. Megan says:

    Oh man. I’m constantly looking at that grass over there, you know- on the other side of the fence. It took the right conversation with the right person to show me how to check out my own yard. Not the one full of cool musicians, trips to LA every week or crazy nights, but the one with a steady relationship and a kid which my friend craved.
    Never forget there is always someone checking out your grassy yard. ;)

  11. Tee says:

    I love this post and yes you are completely normal.

  12. OneLoCoMommy says:

    I just went through a jealousy phase last week. Or two weeks ago. Maybe I’m still in it, I dunno. {HUGS}

  13. i think we all have a little bit of this in us…we live in america. It wasn’t until I traveled to 2nd and 3rd world countries that this feeling went away. completely. perspective always makes the difference.

  14. I thinks it’s in our nature to be jealous of other human being, specially woman, but I think in the end we realized how great our lives are doesn’t matter the problems we have.

  15. Rebecca says:

    It’s stupid, isn’t it?

    But that doesn’t stop us from doing it. Again and again and again.

  16. Nicole P. says:

    Oh the jealousy. I completely understand how easy it is. Especially in the blogger-verse, where nearly everyone is pretty, with well dressed, well behaved kids. And they’re crafty and popular and stylish and I’ll just stop now. It’s good to remember that I’m not alone in that feeling and that I already more than I could wished for.

  17. MommaExpat says:

    You are possibly the object of green eyed monster envy from other bloggers. Just saying.

Talk to me. Please. I'm almost always alone or with a toddler.