It’s weird when you lose control. Because once you let go? It’s almost like you don’t remember what it felt like to hold on.
Depression is a chameleon. That’s part of it’s charm. It almost never looks the same, which makes it all that much easier to feel like you’re completely alone. Or at least…for me anyway. There goes that damn chameleon again.
But eventually, with some work, you do figure out how to get your grip back again. And then you kind of can’t remember what it felt like to let go. You start to enjoy the ride. And it’s wonderful.
That’s when the fallout starts.
The thing {of the many many things} about mental illness is it is a master of justification. All of the dark thoughts and the rage and the sadness and the pain and the utter isolation — all of it feels so justifiable. So RIGHT. And so the things you do? The ways you react? The people who get caught in the crossfire? It just feels…natural.
But once you get that grip back — and you start to form some callouses again so that you can think of something besides the pain of your bleeding palms from the sheer effort of LIVING — you start to look around and see the fallout. All around you. In a million different ways.
Some of what you treasured — those people, relationships, efforts, dreams — some are left standing. Others, less so. And you start to rebuild. To relearn how to be, up here where everyone’s got a grip.
Homemade Marshmallows | Recipe courtesy of Alton Brown
What You’ll Need:
- 3 packages unflavored gelatin
- 1 cup ice cold water, divided
- 12 ounces granulated sugar, approximately 1 1/2 cups
- 1 cup light corn syrup
- 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 cup confectioners’ sugar
- 1/4 cup cornstarch
- Nonstick spray
Place the gelatin into the bowl of a stand mixer along with 1/2 cup of the water. Have the whisk attachment standing by.
In a small saucepan combine the remaining 1/2 cup water, granulated sugar, corn syrup and salt. Place over medium high heat, cover and allow to cook for 3 to 4 minutes. Uncover, clip a candy thermometer onto the side of the pan and continue to cook until the mixture reaches 240 degrees F, approximately 7 to 8 minutes. Once the mixture reaches this temperature, immediately remove from the heat.
Turn the mixer on low speed and, while running, slowly pour the sugar syrup down the side of the bowl into the gelatin mixture. Once you have added all of the syrup, increase the speed to high. Continue to whip until the mixture becomes very thick and is lukewarm, approximately 12 to 15 minutes. Add the vanilla during the last minute of whipping. While the mixture is whipping prepare the pans as follows.
Combine the confectioners’ sugar and cornstarch in a small bowl. Lightly spray a 13 by 9-inch metal baking pan with nonstick cooking spray. Add the sugar and cornstarch mixture and move around to completely coat the bottom and sides of the pan. Return the remaining mixture to the bowl for later use.
When ready, pour the mixture into the prepared pan, using a lightly oiled spatula for spreading evenly into the pan. Dust the top with enough of the remaining sugar and cornstarch mixture to lightly cover. Reserve the rest for later. Allow the marshmallows to sit uncovered for at least 4 hours and up to overnight.
Turn the marshmallows out onto a cutting board and cut into 1-inch squares using a pizza wheel dusted with the confectioners’ sugar mixture. Once cut, lightly dust all sides of each marshmallow with the remaining mixture, using additional if necessary. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 weeks.
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