Good Rule Of Thumb: If The Baby Isn’t Crowning, Don’t Ask A Woman If She’s Pregnant.

BraceletMy daughter is over three now, so it’s only natural that any time we leave the house friends and strangers alike ask us when we’re planning to crank out Delilah 2.0. {The answer for the curious: yes we’d like to expand the clan at some point, though not any time in the very near future, so hopefully this is one of those posts that everyone in my parent’s social circle reads and that puts the questions to rest at least through Valentines day.}

Unfortunately, my immune system has been waging a bit of war on my thyroid in recent months and I’ve gained forty (yeah, you read that right…FORTY) lbs in a freakishly short amount of time. Which for a 31 year old married mother of one can only mean one thing right? CONGRATULATIONS! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU GUYS WERE EXPECTING!

{No joke, the guy at the liquor store congratulated me while I was buying a bunch of wine. USE YOUR HEAD GUY AT THE LIQUOR STORE!!!}

It only gets moderately less awkward by the 400th time you explain “nope, just put on a little bit of weight.” Well, less awkward for me. The person who just moments ago was rubbing my flabby middle in admiration pretty much looks like they want to crawl in a hole and die every.single.time. You should have seen the look on our new housekeeper’s face when she asked me when the baby was coming her first day on the job. Because that happened.

CUSo I’ve developed something of a complex. Basically every time I get dressed now all I can think about is “does this make me look pregnant?” — because while showing off your belly while you’re actually pregnant is adorable, doing so while you’re not is just…a bummer.

Which is why last week after pulling everything out of my closet in preparation for speaking in front of a room of design-minded people at Alt Summit, I panicked and sent an S.O.S. to Maureen, the brilliant head stylist at Tog + Porter, explaining my woes (being that I’ve blown up like a balloon and am on the brink of emotional outburst the next time someone asks when my food baby is due). Luckily having styled me a couple of times before, Maureen knows my closet reasonably well and was able to guide me to an outfit that flattered and flattened (at least, visually) my non-expectant bump. I think.

SkirtPretty un-pregnant, right? I had almost everything Maureen suggested from the black booties to the eye-catching necklace, but I managed to find the shirt on sale at trusty old Forever 21.  …Which is also where I saw these orange pants that I had to have. And thanks to Maureen I was feeling stylistically inspired, so I dipped my toes back in to the Cool or Crazy pool and went for it –

PantsWhat can I say, I kinda love my orange pants, (they’re less blinding in real life) Even though I feel dumpy most of the time lately, I feel pretty sassy in these. 

Also, it has to be said that I feel like a major douche any time I take these pictures in my driveway. My neighbors always seem to arrive home in the middle of them as if on cue.

Douchery

And Maureen reminded me of one more thing. Accessories are an awesome way to direct the eye where you want it. Like the orange necklace I forgot I had, or these sweet earrings my new and dear friend Moorea made which I haven’t taken off since she gave them to me in Utah (okay I have, to sleep and stuff, but I LOVE them. Check out Moorea’s shop, she makes other crazy cool stuff too.)

MooreaEarrings

Feed Me Seymour

10 Responses to Good Rule Of Thumb: If The Baby Isn’t Crowning, Don’t Ask A Woman If She’s Pregnant.

  1. skywaitress says:

    Oh my goodness, that has to be the most awkward thing ever. And either the clothes really are magic or those people are completely crazy because you don’t look one bit pregnant.

  2. Lol. People can be so funny! You look great through – I agree, you don’t look one bit pregnant. PS: Got the same earring from Moorea and I have to agree with you, they’re just the best, love love love them!

  3. CarrynM says:

    You look awesome. Truly. Those people are crazy.
    I also don’t understand why random people feel the need to comment on whether or not you have more kids. It’s not any of their beeswax. It happens to me a lot. Drives me nuts.

  4. a- miss you
    b- love your hair
    c- my ‘b’ comment is so not a guy thing to say
    d- my rule of thumb is when a woman has a baby I say “oh, I had no idea you were pregnant.”

  5. I’m back…You may think I was kidding about ‘d’ but really I’m not…I wait til full on kid crying before I say anything

  6. Beth Anne says:

    Kenny wins forever with D.

    this happened: http://okayba.com/2011/07/28/yeah-im-not-pregnant/

    I wanted to die when it did.

    I’m torn because I’m currently adoring loose-fitting long shirts but they do raise the question of whether or not I’m knocked up, but I’m not & OMG WHY DO I STILL LOOK PREG THREE YEARS LATER?

  7. Just wearing an empire-waist top has once earned me a “It’s okay, I know you’re pregnant but I’m not gonna judge” from my grandmother. I was so furious, I pouted for 3 weeks.

    I didn’t look pregnant back then, and you don’t look pregnant now. But I understand how you question everything you want to wear now. :/ That blows.

    On the plus side, those outfits look awesome!

  8. Frankie says:

    Great post! Yes. It’s hard to have those type of complications. With my baby #4, i had a cyst & had to be on bedrest. it messed up my metabolism, & affected my weight loss for both baby #4 & 5. Thanks for making light of what can be painful. And the comments, goodness. Can be quite unforgiving. Fortunately for you girl you look amazing whatever size- and I couldn’t tell a thing as you Rock those orange pants! Thanks again for sharing Mo!

  9. You don’t even look remotely pregnant OR 40lbs heavier! People ALWAYS ask us about BBv.2 as well and it drives me batty. I just say “they know what causes that and how to prevent it.”

    You should link up your outfit to What I Wore Weds!

  10. I think you look fabulous! I have a good one for you. My aunt is schizophrenic and we only see her during the holidays. I just recently lost 30 lbs and when I saw her at Christmas she looked at me and said, “Wow, I didn’t realize how far along you were!” I just stood there in shock and said, “No it is not me that is pregnant, it is my sister. Remember?” And then she replied, “Well you do look pretty huge right now so I can tell you are pregnant. Don’t lie.” I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

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