Good Rule Of Thumb: If The Baby Isn’t Crowning, Don’t Ask A Woman If She’s Pregnant.

BraceletMy daughter is over three now, so it’s only natural that any time we leave the house friends and strangers alike ask us when we’re planning to crank out Delilah 2.0. {The answer for the curious: yes we’d like to expand the clan at some point, though not any time in the very near future, so hopefully this is one of those posts that everyone in my parent’s social circle reads and that puts the questions to rest at least through Valentines day.}

Unfortunately, my immune system has been waging a bit of war on my thyroid in recent months and I’ve gained forty (yeah, you read that right…FORTY) lbs in a freakishly short amount of time. Which for a 31 year old married mother of one can only mean one thing right? CONGRATULATIONS! I DIDN’T KNOW YOU GUYS WERE EXPECTING!

{No joke, the guy at the liquor store congratulated me while I was buying a bunch of wine. USE YOUR HEAD GUY AT THE LIQUOR STORE!!!}

It only gets moderately less awkward by the 400th time you explain “nope, just put on a little bit of weight.” Well, less awkward for me. The person who just moments ago was rubbing my flabby middle in admiration pretty much looks like they want to crawl in a hole and die every.single.time. You should have seen the look on our new housekeeper’s face when she asked me when the baby was coming her first day on the job. Because that happened.

CUSo I’ve developed something of a complex. Basically every time I get dressed now all I can think about is “does this make me look pregnant?” — because while showing off your belly while you’re actually pregnant is adorable, doing so while you’re not is just…a bummer.

Which is why last week after pulling everything out of my closet in preparation for speaking in front of a room of design-minded people at Alt Summit, I panicked and sent an S.O.S. to Maureen, the brilliant head stylist at Tog + Porter, explaining my woes (being that I’ve blown up like a balloon and am on the brink of emotional outburst the next time someone asks when my food baby is due). Luckily having styled me a couple of times before, Maureen knows my closet reasonably well and was able to guide me to an outfit that flattered and flattened (at least, visually) my non-expectant bump. I think.

SkirtPretty un-pregnant, right? I had almost everything Maureen suggested from the black booties to the eye-catching necklace, but I managed to find the shirt on sale at trusty old Forever 21.  …Which is also where I saw these orange pants that I had to have. And thanks to Maureen I was feeling stylistically inspired, so I dipped my toes back in to the Cool or Crazy pool and went for it —

PantsWhat can I say, I kinda love my orange pants, (they’re less blinding in real life) Even though I feel dumpy most of the time lately, I feel pretty sassy in these. 

Also, it has to be said that I feel like a major douche any time I take these pictures in my driveway. My neighbors always seem to arrive home in the middle of them as if on cue.

Douchery

And Maureen reminded me of one more thing. Accessories are an awesome way to direct the eye where you want it. Like the orange necklace I forgot I had, or these sweet earrings my new and dear friend Moorea made which I haven’t taken off since she gave them to me in Utah (okay I have, to sleep and stuff, but I LOVE them. Check out Moorea’s shop, she makes other crazy cool stuff too.)

MooreaEarrings

Feed Me Seymour