So…the worst person on earth finally has her own show. *Sigh* Okay, so that photo above isn’t from the atrocity “Megan Wants a Millionaire” – it’s from the greatest moment in reality TV history – the Charm School 2 Reunion Show in which Sharon Osbourne dumped her drink on Miss Megan before proceeding to rip the weave out of her stupid, self-entitled head, but I’d much rather perpetuate images like that of VH1 Reality Ho Megan Hauserman than pictures of her vamping for the camera looking [even remotely] hot. (Re-live my glee of having witnessed that event on television for the first time, HERE.)
I know I’d sworn I’d rather walk face-first into a buzz saw than watch this disaster (seriously, I am saddened to have to raise my child in a world where shows like this exist) but curiosity got the best of me and I finally turned it on late Saturday night. Let’s start with the positives. It looks like Megan has either packed on a couple of LBs (and let’s be honest, I do only mean a couple – she obviously still has a body I could only hope for) which has the delightful effect of giving her the faintest of chin rolls (or maybe she’s just cranking her head back into her neck to stay as far away a possible from some of the disgusting lech’s they’ve populated her dating pool with) but either way, that combined with her screechy-ass voice gives her an uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy. I fucking love it. I’m calling her that from now on. Okay, that’s the only positive.
Miss Piggy’s show is off to a better start than Daisy’s show, because MP actually does appear to have some semblance of a brain. Given, she uses it to be a high-priced whore, but I’m pretty sure it’s in there, and rational thought even makes an appearance from time to time in her attempts to manipulate millionaires into giving her their money (you know, in extreme cases when her cleavage and severe case of D.S.L. fails to work.) So watching her interact with these guys – who are (for the most part) definitely more intelligent than the Daisy crop of suitors can be mildly entertaining at times. It goes without saying that the only type of millionaire who is going to go on a show like this are enormous D-Bags, so as much as I love to loathe Megan, it does seem like it could be borderline fun to watch her hand these asshats their balls on a silver platter at the end of each show when her signature keep/ditch lines are “Your Credit is still good with me” and “your credit has been declined” respectively, which she delivers with all the enthusiasm of Paris Hilton on ‘ludes. Oh, and speaking of ‘ludes – I’m pretty sure they’ve sedated her Chihuahua to keep it from schitzing out at the sound of her voice/being touched by the gross lech’s who seem to think that fondling the dog is a direct ticket to fondling Miss Piggy herself. I hope PETA is watching.
On the first episode, we watched as Megan cut the poorest and least attractive first, followed by the cockiest, and the meekest – and in a strange play of “I like having my face eaten by awkward wannabe lotharios” she kept the contestant who is pretty undeniably gay after he delivered what had to be the grossest kiss I’ve ever seen not in a Wayan’s Bros movie.
I’m not sure what her strategy is, since she did manage cut the guy I had deemed to be least repulsive (poor meek Shawn) but I don’t think I’ll be tuning in to find out. Watching her suck face with Ancient (self-declared) Jersey Mafioso Big Mike might be too much for my pregnant gag reflex to handle. (But please, by all means, check out the bios on the contestants, and note that all but one of their credentials start with either “says that” or “claims to” keeping hope alive that the big joke of this show will be on Megan when it’s revealed that her suitors are no more millionaires than Evan Marriott. Please please please Vh1, let that be the case – giving this atrocity a punchline might save your EP’s from the special place in hell that’s been reserved for people who create reality shows like this one.)
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