I’ve been having a hard time lately. A hard time that is waiting to be discussed in another post that I’m letting percolate in my drafts folder for a while until I grow balls big and hairy enough to post it. But until then, let’s just say parenthood isn’t easy. Life really isn’t easy. And that can be a hard thing to adjust to for some of us. Like me. But again, another post. Another day. Today, however, TODAY…well, I was just sitting here rolling up Dee’s sleeves so they’d stop covering her hands so she could maybe finally turn that backwards crawling into forwards crawling (she didn’t, she’s now laying on her back clutching her feet and rolling her R’s – something I will have to record and amend this post to include at a later time, because it is pretty hilarious and weird) and she was smiling up at me, and BOOM. [BOOM being me realizing that right now, at this precise moment in my life {the aforementioned TODAY!} everything is kind of swell.]
Which, well…if we’re being honest, is the first time I’ve had that “life is good” feeling in, well…quite a while.
I’ve been so wrapped up in feeling like life was not-so-good that I completely and totally missed it when things started to kind of get okay again. But here I am, sitting outside on a lovely Saturday afternoon, not overwhelmed, working on a project I love, my amazing ray of sunshine baby is playing happily beside me (now she’s going “brrrrrrr” “bppphphrrrrr” with her lips, y’know?) my husband is off playing drums with his 90-year-old Grandfather – something he loves – and after a year of layoffs and cutbacks and insurance deductibles and how in the hell are we going to do this we are finally, FINALLY getting back on track, and oh my god I can breathe again and it feels SO FUCKING GOOD.
It’s weird, because there are a lot of things I have no trouble talking about {as you know, if you were with me through my pregnancy} but when it comes to the way I feel, as it turns out, I’m pretty inarticulate. I didn’t really know that about myself for a long time. Until I started feeling not-so-good. And the less good I felt, the less I wanted to talk to anyone…about anything. Ever. But I’m working on that. Starting here. Because [shockingly] I seem to have an easier time with the written word. So yeah. I’ve had a few bad days. I’m hoping they’re behind me. Because today? Everything is OK.
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